Back to Dr. Brock

Friday, April 8 2011

Went back to see Dr. Brock for second time.  Had to let him know the 100 mg of topomax had no effect on my drinking.  Reduced the cravings somewhat but still had no will power whatsoever.  What kind of person can't say no to a drink.  How does God still love me.  I wrestle with this but I press forward and still continue going to church and doing my daily bible studies.  I have to trust God's word.  He says He is faithful and He will help me through.  He's all I have.   Anyways, Dr. Brock puts me on antabuse.  It's the drug that makes you sick every time you drink.  I knew before I started this new med I was gonna drink one last time.  On my way home I bought a bottle.  I drank.  And it was sooooo good.  I savored it.  I knew it was probably my last bottle of wine ever.  Something I could not wrap my brain around.  The thought killed me.  I had been drinking wine for 11 years.  Socially for a while then nightly.  Hmmmm...sly like the devil.  Then sometimes 2 or 3 bottles a day.  Something any born again christian should not be doing.  I talked to God about it.  I cried to Him.  I begged Him to take it away.  He hasn't yet.  But He's with me helping me and loving me.  Ended up drinking 2 bottles.