April 22, 2011

I failed.  Yep...sure did.  I haven't taken my medicine since Monday night.  I guess because I knew that Blake would be gone Friday night.  I wasn't even sure I would drink but quit taking it just in case I did.  And I wasn't even planning too but I went and cleaned a house today and it took me six hours.  My back is killing me.  I got home at 3:30 and had to take dogs to get a shot and then to kennel.  When I got home had to pack to go out of town for a week.  I'm tired, frustrated, have a bad backache and just irritable.  All the symptoms of someone needing a drink really bad.  Haven't had much and drinking it really slow.  UUUgggHHHH.  Now kids are getting on my last stinkn nerve.   Do the demands of life ever end????????  Guess I'll start my meds back tomorrow.  I'm going to baseball tourney to watch D play for the first time in months and then off to Gulf Shores with 5wildhares and a crazywoman!!!!!!  HA  Later!!

Monday April 18

Man have I thought about not taking my pill tonight.  Not because I'm really having an urge or craving.  But ahhh I miss the taste of a nice cold glass of chardonnay.  And when the weather is beautiful like it is today, it makes me want to drink even more.  Don't get me wrong.  I miss the buzz too.  But then my mind takes me to the midday nap and waking up with no energy ( something I haven't done since being sober ) and the praying eight o'clock would get here so I can get to bed because I'm about to pass out.  And bad taste left in my mouth, the irritability, etc.  Again, the pros for taking the antabuse outweigh the cons for not.  Each day seems to get easier.  I did go by an adorable store the other and they had the cutest wine glasses.  I was so jealous of the people able to buy them.  I wanted so bad to be able to drink out of one.  Well I guess I could drink tea or water but to me that's just no fun.  Oh well...life goes on.  As the old saying goes, I can't take a wine glass with me to heaven.  I need to store up treasures in heaven, not on earth.  Yes, this is where I will "fix my gaze."

Sunday April 17

CHURCH WAS SOOOOOOO GOOD TODAY!!!!!!!!  Oh my Goodness it was good.   I felt God's presence all over me to the point of where I was shaking.  He is so good.  He is so real.  He is so faithful.  In my deliberate sin He has been there with me.  He has been for me.  Jesus has been "my High Priest interceding on my behalf."  Wow. 
Today is day 6 on antabuse.  No cravings today.  Been on a spiritual high.  And like Beth Moore says..."there ain't no high like the Most High."  AMEN AND AMEN.  That is so true.  I would rather live one day in his presence than thousand elsewhere. 

Saturday April 16

Today wasn't as bad as I had anticipated.   Mainly due to the fact that son's baseball game had been cancelled at least for the time being and also, I kinda enjoyed being sober.  My nine year old had a softball game earlier in the day.  Several of her night games I went with a buzz.  Not fun because by the end of the game it's wearing off and I'm tired.  Plus it will be nice going to church with a clean conscience knowing I had not "deliberately" been disobedient to what God has been telling me not to do for the last 6 years.  Yes, six stinkn years I have been disobedient to God!!!!  And He STILL LOVES ME.  Amazing grace how sweet the sound, that saved a wretch like me.  I once was lost but now I'm found was blind but now I see.

Friday April 15, 2011

Trying to figure out how I can  drink tomorrow.  Blake is going out of town and omgosh I want to drink.  Well part of me does.  The other part screams NO!!!!!  (That has to be the Holy Spirit in me because we Christians know the flesh part of us always wants to do the wrong thing).   I feel I have done so good but not only that, I think of the cons of it.  The morning shakes, the tons of eating, the bad breath so hard to get rid of, the guilt, the shame of not being able to stop.  But again...that's not what stops me.  If that were powerful enough to stop me, I would have quit a long time ago.  It's the fact it's day 4 of antabuse.  I have no choice.  Well, I have a choice to take the medicine.  And I choose to take it.  Not because I have the strength, but because God gives me the strength and desire every day to do it.  So once again I yield to the fact that I will not be drinking tomorrow.  It has been years (except when I was pregnant) that I have gone this many days in a row without drinking.   I have to overcome this.  I have no choice.  If I don't...I believe it will kill me!

8:00  Been thinking about wine all day.  Glad the day is almost over and I can start a fresh day tomorrow.  I know it will get easier.  Can't wait for that.  This is hard.  Should have listened to God a long time ago.

Thursday April 14, 2011

Too much going on to really think about drinking.  This time last week I was planning my day around my drinking.  I was going to Bible study and as soon as it was over, I would rush home so I could down my bottle before my two girls got home from school.  If time permitted, I would sleep a little to help me not be so tired so we could do homework.  This week though is different.  It's day three on antabuse so no need to plan.  There will be no drinking.  So I went to Bible study with no anxiety about getting out quickly.  I was going to run to the mall to take shoes back for my 9 year old.  The thought of wine crossed my mind a time or two but as quickly as it came, it left.  Why keep my focus on that?  It just makes me mad that I have no choice.  Anyway, car broke down but praise God it was right across the street from a Chevy place.  They were able to tell me what was wrong, but of course all dealerships ( well most ) usually charge way too much so I ended up leaving it with another mechanic.  Thursday ended up being a really really good day.  No strong urges or cravings even though I had the issue with the car!!!!!  I felt good!!!!

Wednesday April 13, 2011

Surprisingly today was a lot harder than yesterday although getting that first pill down was way tougher than taking the second.  Urges to drink were strong.  And if there had been a way to drink without getting sick, I would have.  But I would rather not drink than feel nauseous and vomit all day.  Plus I knew the urges would pass.  But man I wanted that buzz.  Mmmmmm... I can close my eyes and imagine the feeling now.  Why can't I be one of those people who can stop after two drinks?  I envy them sometimes.  Now is one of those times.

Tuesday April 12 , 2011

8:00 A.M.  Still not ready...wasn't going to take it but ex hubby whom I live with was asking me if I had and followed me into the kitchen.  I asked him to hold me accountable and evidently he wasn't going to leave for work until I took the darn stuff.  I was livid.  Partly because I had to take but partly because he would say "I understand!!!!" after he asked me if I were dreading it.  In my head I screamed " HELLO....no you don't understand you little %$##@.  You have NO IDEA.   You still drink your beer every night.  I won't get that pleasure anymore. "  That's what my flesh wanted to say.  But my spirit was so willing.  So wanting it.  So craving the freedom from the chains that bound me.  But I was scared. 

I took it.  Grudgingly and with tears stinging my eyes I took it.  My BIG hateful attitude was obvious when  I looked at him (probably with disgust)and stuck out my tongue to prove I swallowed that stupid white pill ,which didn't go over too well with him.  He got mad, stomped off, slammed the door and left for work.  I was meeting a friend to go on a walk so I walked out to get the stroller ready for the baby, still angry I "had" to take the medicine when "I wasn't ready!!!!!"  So I was gonna march myself back in the house and throw that stupid pill right back up and go get me some wine.  I'm in control of me.  I decide when I'm gonna take my pill.  NOT my ex husband.  But as God would have it, my friend walks out as I was about to walk in so once again, plan ruined!!!!!!!  UUUGGGGHHHH was all I thought!!!!!  Now this stupid pill is going to dissolve and I'm stuck without and option to drink!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Thus starts day one on antabuse!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Monday April11, 2011

Today's the day.  Getting medicine filled.  Drinking for the last time and taking the medicine.  I'm happy and I'm sad.  I'm excited but I'm bitter.  I envy the people who can drink and stop whenever they want to.  I have 5 kids.  I'm doing this for them.  I love God.  I'm doing this for Him.  Gosh why didn't I listen to Him when He first told me He wanted me to quit.  Years ago....I wouldn't be here.  How different my life would be if I had only been obedient the first time I heard Him speak.  Fast forward Natalie....past is forgiven...

9:00  wal mart...they have the medicine in stock.  uuggghhh  gosh I was so hoping they didn't.   Waiting for it to be filled I picked up my last two bottles.  (omgosh I am fighting tears thinking about this.  This is very emotional for me)  Oak Leaf Chardonnay.  2.77 per bottle  Good and cheap.  My favorite was Barefoot...the workers at El Cheapo knew me...went there almost everyday for a year.  Sometimes twice a day.  7.27 with tax. 

9:45  Picked up meds.  Read all about it and found out I can't drink 12 hours before taking it.  Completely ruins my plans for the day as I always planned my day around drinking.  I spent 30 minutes trying to figure out how to make it work.  I did and I drank.  Both bottles.  But that was it.

Sunday April 10, 2011

Still can't make myself to get prescription filled.  Then I won't have any excuses not to take it.  If I don't have it I can't take it right?  But I knew it inevitable.  I had to.  Uggghhh I can't begin to put into words the dread I was feeling.  I don't think anyone except an alcoholic would understand this.  Or maybe anyone that's had any kind of addiction.  Took kids to the beach so that helped with the urges to drink as well as not being able to buy it on Sundays.  However, the beach was in a state I could have bought it and don't think I didn't try to come up with some sort of scheme to do it.  But with my oldest daughter in the car...it was next to impossible.  So I satisfied myself with the thoughts that Monday would be here very very soon and I would drink that day and take my first pill that night!!!!  Case settled.  Done deal.  I'm happy!!!!!!

Saturday April 9, 2011

Still haven't gotten meds filled yet.  Drank a little in the morning.  Just what was left over from the night before.  Not enough to feel anything.  But gosh I wanted more.  Never went and got any.  Thought about all day though.  Too much driving to do.  Had to take daughter to a friends house and stopped to get japanese and mexican on the way home.  Got way too full to even think about drinking so I ended up being able to talk myself out of it.  I always feel good about myself when I do.  I felt a little victorious but knew my drinking days were quickly coming to an end so I was wanting to drink a lot before then.

Back to Dr. Brock

Friday, April 8 2011

Went back to see Dr. Brock for second time.  Had to let him know the 100 mg of topomax had no effect on my drinking.  Reduced the cravings somewhat but still had no will power whatsoever.  What kind of person can't say no to a drink.  How does God still love me.  I wrestle with this but I press forward and still continue going to church and doing my daily bible studies.  I have to trust God's word.  He says He is faithful and He will help me through.  He's all I have.   Anyways, Dr. Brock puts me on antabuse.  It's the drug that makes you sick every time you drink.  I knew before I started this new med I was gonna drink one last time.  On my way home I bought a bottle.  I drank.  And it was sooooo good.  I savored it.  I knew it was probably my last bottle of wine ever.  Something I could not wrap my brain around.  The thought killed me.  I had been drinking wine for 11 years.  Socially for a while then nightly.  Hmmmm...sly like the devil.  Then sometimes 2 or 3 bottles a day.  Something any born again christian should not be doing.  I talked to God about it.  I cried to Him.  I begged Him to take it away.  He hasn't yet.  But He's with me helping me and loving me.  Ended up drinking 2 bottles.