April 22, 2011

I failed.  Yep...sure did.  I haven't taken my medicine since Monday night.  I guess because I knew that Blake would be gone Friday night.  I wasn't even sure I would drink but quit taking it just in case I did.  And I wasn't even planning too but I went and cleaned a house today and it took me six hours.  My back is killing me.  I got home at 3:30 and had to take dogs to get a shot and then to kennel.  When I got home had to pack to go out of town for a week.  I'm tired, frustrated, have a bad backache and just irritable.  All the symptoms of someone needing a drink really bad.  Haven't had much and drinking it really slow.  UUUgggHHHH.  Now kids are getting on my last stinkn nerve.   Do the demands of life ever end????????  Guess I'll start my meds back tomorrow.  I'm going to baseball tourney to watch D play for the first time in months and then off to Gulf Shores with 5wildhares and a crazywoman!!!!!!  HA  Later!!

Monday April 18

Man have I thought about not taking my pill tonight.  Not because I'm really having an urge or craving.  But ahhh I miss the taste of a nice cold glass of chardonnay.  And when the weather is beautiful like it is today, it makes me want to drink even more.  Don't get me wrong.  I miss the buzz too.  But then my mind takes me to the midday nap and waking up with no energy ( something I haven't done since being sober ) and the praying eight o'clock would get here so I can get to bed because I'm about to pass out.  And bad taste left in my mouth, the irritability, etc.  Again, the pros for taking the antabuse outweigh the cons for not.  Each day seems to get easier.  I did go by an adorable store the other and they had the cutest wine glasses.  I was so jealous of the people able to buy them.  I wanted so bad to be able to drink out of one.  Well I guess I could drink tea or water but to me that's just no fun.  Oh well...life goes on.  As the old saying goes, I can't take a wine glass with me to heaven.  I need to store up treasures in heaven, not on earth.  Yes, this is where I will "fix my gaze."

Sunday April 17

CHURCH WAS SOOOOOOO GOOD TODAY!!!!!!!!  Oh my Goodness it was good.   I felt God's presence all over me to the point of where I was shaking.  He is so good.  He is so real.  He is so faithful.  In my deliberate sin He has been there with me.  He has been for me.  Jesus has been "my High Priest interceding on my behalf."  Wow. 
Today is day 6 on antabuse.  No cravings today.  Been on a spiritual high.  And like Beth Moore says..."there ain't no high like the Most High."  AMEN AND AMEN.  That is so true.  I would rather live one day in his presence than thousand elsewhere. 

Saturday April 16

Today wasn't as bad as I had anticipated.   Mainly due to the fact that son's baseball game had been cancelled at least for the time being and also, I kinda enjoyed being sober.  My nine year old had a softball game earlier in the day.  Several of her night games I went with a buzz.  Not fun because by the end of the game it's wearing off and I'm tired.  Plus it will be nice going to church with a clean conscience knowing I had not "deliberately" been disobedient to what God has been telling me not to do for the last 6 years.  Yes, six stinkn years I have been disobedient to God!!!!  And He STILL LOVES ME.  Amazing grace how sweet the sound, that saved a wretch like me.  I once was lost but now I'm found was blind but now I see.

Friday April 15, 2011

Trying to figure out how I can  drink tomorrow.  Blake is going out of town and omgosh I want to drink.  Well part of me does.  The other part screams NO!!!!!  (That has to be the Holy Spirit in me because we Christians know the flesh part of us always wants to do the wrong thing).   I feel I have done so good but not only that, I think of the cons of it.  The morning shakes, the tons of eating, the bad breath so hard to get rid of, the guilt, the shame of not being able to stop.  But again...that's not what stops me.  If that were powerful enough to stop me, I would have quit a long time ago.  It's the fact it's day 4 of antabuse.  I have no choice.  Well, I have a choice to take the medicine.  And I choose to take it.  Not because I have the strength, but because God gives me the strength and desire every day to do it.  So once again I yield to the fact that I will not be drinking tomorrow.  It has been years (except when I was pregnant) that I have gone this many days in a row without drinking.   I have to overcome this.  I have no choice.  If I don't...I believe it will kill me!

8:00  Been thinking about wine all day.  Glad the day is almost over and I can start a fresh day tomorrow.  I know it will get easier.  Can't wait for that.  This is hard.  Should have listened to God a long time ago.

Thursday April 14, 2011

Too much going on to really think about drinking.  This time last week I was planning my day around my drinking.  I was going to Bible study and as soon as it was over, I would rush home so I could down my bottle before my two girls got home from school.  If time permitted, I would sleep a little to help me not be so tired so we could do homework.  This week though is different.  It's day three on antabuse so no need to plan.  There will be no drinking.  So I went to Bible study with no anxiety about getting out quickly.  I was going to run to the mall to take shoes back for my 9 year old.  The thought of wine crossed my mind a time or two but as quickly as it came, it left.  Why keep my focus on that?  It just makes me mad that I have no choice.  Anyway, car broke down but praise God it was right across the street from a Chevy place.  They were able to tell me what was wrong, but of course all dealerships ( well most ) usually charge way too much so I ended up leaving it with another mechanic.  Thursday ended up being a really really good day.  No strong urges or cravings even though I had the issue with the car!!!!!  I felt good!!!!

Wednesday April 13, 2011

Surprisingly today was a lot harder than yesterday although getting that first pill down was way tougher than taking the second.  Urges to drink were strong.  And if there had been a way to drink without getting sick, I would have.  But I would rather not drink than feel nauseous and vomit all day.  Plus I knew the urges would pass.  But man I wanted that buzz.  Mmmmmm... I can close my eyes and imagine the feeling now.  Why can't I be one of those people who can stop after two drinks?  I envy them sometimes.  Now is one of those times.